SHY GUYS MAKE GOOD BOYFRIENDS
You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralysed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room. He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualise yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!”
These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity!
If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off.
This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.
What It’s Like For The Shy Guy
Shyness ranges on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited in just certain types of settings or circumstances, whereas for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait that is a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of scenarios across the board.
Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their extroverted counterparts, who tend to like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, though society does tend to favour the more outgoing personality-type and stigmatises the quieter, internal individuals. The more important aspect here is whether or not any negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular leanings.
Although there are exceptions, generally speaking many shy guys tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations and dislike having attention called to themselves. This anxiety can be translated into stumbling on their words/stuttering, becoming easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any type of criticism or rejection. They can feel inhibited, self-conscious, have a difficult time relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have a difficult time meeting people, struggle with initiating and maintaining conversations, dread group interactions, and can have a hard time standing up for themselves and voicing their opinions and needs.
Unfortunately, many people can misinterpret a shy guy’s behaviour as his being snooty, stuck-up, arrogant, or aloof and cold when that’s really not the case at all.
Shy guys often times shine when they are in settings where they feel safe or are around people they know well. They also often perform well in structured situations where the players interact in scripted-like roles where there’s little need for spontaneity or mingling without a purpose. Positively speaking, shy individuals tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves remarkably well to relationships and situations of leadership and change. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimise their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would boost to a much higher level.
Why So Shy?
Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behaviour or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modelled that behaviour yourself and it became a part of you. Negative experiences or being the victim of a trauma could also contribute to the development of shyness.
Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely.
Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness
Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realising and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.
- Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.
- Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitisation to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.
- If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.
- Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too. If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehears
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Me is shy. I often get told that I come across as aloof and snobish, Meanwhile, I’m just a shy guy – really. I know exactly what this article is all about. But I’m getting better!
shy. i came across as a troublesome person and i always try to be very foward and aticualte a friendliness and appoach but behind it all im still shy. not even stage could take away my shyness.
Understand. I feel you there…I am extremely quiet and shy in social situations. Not really sure how to make conversation etc etc so some people assume me to be moody, unfriendly and unapproachable but that’s SOOO not true.
Agree.. because same people feel that way,it makes it hard for you as a person to really get to know them(other people ) better.
Shyness. Congrats on a well-written and insightfull article!
I was once also kept hostage by fear. And using many of these techniques described in this article I broke free! I remain reserved in certain situations but these are at will. And I no longer feel threatened or anxious in social circumstances.
And I DO notice the more shy guys….
Keep well and chin up.
Being shy. What a pleasure to read with so much stuff that resonated with me. Gay men of a certain age are often in a difficult situation because the old habits and legal recriminations appear to be hard to break: Who is looking? Who will see this? Thanks for a great and sensitive article.
im not shy, but i should learn how to be. Im anything but SHY.. and although shy guys do make great boyfriends… how’s about telling the less extroverted shy guys, that those who share fewer hibitions, are outgoing and complete extroverts.. are worth a try… i have found that, shy guys tend to steer clear, they may envy an extroverts confidence, but they certainly dont seem to wanna take the risk of having a relationship with someone too.. out-there.. claiming that they need someone who is more reserved and similar to themselves…
Based on what I’ve read in these comments, it seems that there a lot of shy peeps out there. Most of the time I struggle in social situations because there’s a stigma attached to those cliques you see at the clubs (the ones that are usually snooty, big mouthed and outright “in your face”) and in my experience, it seems you have to abide to the FIFO rule: Fit in or f***k off! Don’t you think this is a bit harsh?? I mean, how we can we break out of our shyness when you are faced with these type of people. My eternal struggle stems from having to play “chameleon” in these situations constantly because these types tend to force you to be like them or you have to just disappear. I don’t for the life of me understand why some cliques have to behave like this. I really sympathise with others like me who have to endure this type of ridicule from these so-called “respected” people. I truly believe in the Love Coach’s article and it’s not always the extroverted types who have a wonderful time and always get what they want. In most cases, they too feel totally alienated and have other supressed dramas that they manage to hide so well. What about the shy boy who really has a lot to offer, but is never given a chance because of the fear of being ridiculed or embarrased in these clique situations. I would love to hear feedback from the shy boys on this as it is a problem and needs to be addressed (perhaps direction to a support group or similar association??)
Love to all!!!
Yes. I agree with you 100%. I have given up going to clubs and bars as if you are slightly different you are immediately made to feel like an outcast.
I battle to talk to guys in clubs and have missed many opportunities.
shy. what an inspiartional message you wrote and i must say to a certain degree you are right.well im also one of the shy boys and for a long time i never considered ma self as being cute till a lot off pple told me that[though i still dont believe it sometimes]well thing is i jus cant move when in front of pple especially cute guys,i dont know what the problem is but i juss cant.now that im at varsity it’s even worse but im trying to get used to crowds though.if you wanna chat pliz mail me on 200703364@student.uj.ac.za
Shy Guys!. Shy guys are so so so so so so HOT!
mixed emotions. hey,
i am always the centre piece at any party, always greeting and meeting people. chatting and dancing. arranging social group hook ups. its no issue for me to ask people for their numbers…
but
i can never ever build up the courage to ask the guy that i want to get with, for his number or even just to ask him if we can hook up some time.
the fear of rejection is just so bad, that i would much rather stay lonely forever than be rejected.
totally agree…. ..with that. It’s always the guys that you are into that you can’t talk to. but the ones that you don’t like are the easiest to talk to. would that make one shy though?
shy boys are hot but…. … they shouldn’t also be shy between the sheets. you know what they say, it’s the quiet ones you should be scared of and from experience, shy boys usually go off in the sack. must be something about having an outlet for all that repression =)
shy boys. ya you are right they are not suposed to be like that nway!
I agree and understand. i am one myself, although I think the article is a bit over-simplified. I enjoyed it though. ciao
The Other Day. Shyness! I’m at a point where this paralysing emotion has me swimming “de nile”
Thing is, I have misread a lot signs before, I reacted, boldly so, in over romanticised ways and sometimes in absolute confidence. I’ve scribbled on serviettes, I’ve walked up tostrangers and back when I was a scholar, I’ve take that empty seat in the bus.
My single state clearly explains it all didn’t work out. I either made a fool of myself or they just weren’t interested. this has left me more afraid than shy. It also made me realise being bold and confident for someone who is naturally shy takes it’s toll.
With all that said, I think I’d still do it all over again, I just need a real hard push (That’s what Eva, Greg and Norman are there for right?!)